A Few Good Men And Women

I am the mother of two adult children who are at an age where they are in the process of looking for and evaluating for marriage potential a few good men and women. As a Mama Bear, with lifelong experiences of dealing with many types of people with different personalities, I am concerned about my children choosing the right relationships for short term and long term connections. I have had many successes and major failures in my own personal relationships with others. I must admit, sometimes failure teaches you more than success.

I have been working since I was 15, served in the church in many capacities, and spent time in “recovery and support group” settings. I have had “best” friends since my first day of kindergarten, even though these have ebbed and flowed over the years. I have had “boy” friends from the time my farm became the central headquarters for “G. I. Joe and company vs. The Germans, 1971”. My experiences with others have ranged from rich and rewarding to pitifully painful. I have been more wrong about relationships than I care to admit. But, I have grown and I wish to convert those growing, groaning pains into a hedge of protection for my children by providing them with guidelines for success.

I know my children are aware of not just loving someone for being the “eye candy” on their arm or the “money maker” for their guaranteed success. But, most people think that if you have the same basic belief systems, i.e.: “I’m a Christian, you’re a Christian”, that’s about it. If that is the case why is the divorce rate for Christian higher than non-Christians? That’s right! Some studies put the divorce rate of secular marriages at 55% and Christian marriages as high as 65%. Yes, you should establish that you will be equally yoked in the theology section of your union. That‘s Relationship 101. But there is so much more to a successful relationship. Another given is “Be the Man . . . or Woman”, that you want to attract. You can only attract to yourself the image you are projecting to others. I am not just talking about romantic relationships, but also friendships.

After discussing, observing, meditating, and praying about how to direct my children into meaningful, lasting relationships I have come up with a character catalog system which consists of talking, scrutinizing and asking God for divine revelation. One prayer I pray for my relationships and for my children is that God reveals all and that “anything that is hidden in the dark, would be brought to the light.”

So here is a basic laundry list to use for looking at the “Few Good Men . . . and Women”:

1. How well do you know yourself, because each one of the following questions cannot be asked unless you can answer and model the responses in your own life first?

2. Listen closely, people will tell you who they are . . . I stole this from Oprah.

3. Listen closely to what people don’t tell you. What details do they leave out? Silence is not golden. Silence on a subject does not guarantee agreement.

4. How does the candidate treat others? Are they impatient with the food server at the restaurant where you are eating? If they are hard, critical on others, they will be hard and critical about you.

5. How does the candidate feel about and treat themselves? What verbal clue should you look for in this category? Do they think more highly of themselves than others? Do they judge and put others down to feel better about their own shortcomings? Or, are they constantly selling themselves short? Inferiority is upside down pride. Are they critical of themselves? If they don’t love who they are, they will never be able to love who you are.

6. Have they experienced loneliness, depression, heart break? How to they react to the “curve balls” that life hands them?

7. Have they successfully lived on their own, supporting themselves in a productive lifestyle?

8. Have they experienced suffering and how did they respond to it? Is there bitterness or the fruit of forgiveness?

9. How often and how willing are they to serve others?

10. What does their laundry list for a successful relationship look like? Draw potential prospects into conversations where they reveal the types of qualities that they are looking for in the other person. If you hear any of these statements: “I do not want any drama in my life!” “I don’t put up with “fill in the blank". “ “I don’t like fat people!” “I can’t stand it when a person is too needy!” “I want someone who is good looking and will never let themselves go!” Or my all time favorite, “I want someone who is attractive and fun to be with!” If any of these statements are uttered, you can pretty much count on a relationship filled with conditional love. “If you do this, I will be able to love you. If you don’t do that, I am unable to love you.”

(I will list the reverse statements since they are rarely spoken and almost extinct in our dating world: “I want someone that has qualities that will help me to stretch and grow to become a person of character.” “I want to find someone who has a love and empathy of people so we can minister together.”)

11. What are their other relationships like? Do they have deep and meaningful relationships with the others in their life, same sex, opposite sex? If they are a loner now, they will not change because “you are so beautiful”. Have they broken covenant or commitments to the loved ones in their life and how did it affect them? If they have broken covenant over a speed bump, they will certainly not be able to hunker down in "the fox holes of life" when the bullets start flying! If they leave a relationship when the going gets tough, they had better get going. Iron sharpens iron and when it does, sparks fly. Or, where the stall is empty, there is no manure. If the stall has any type of life form, there will be some “crap”, “do-do”, “waste product”, etc.

12. Do they know how to be a friend to others? What value to they put on friendship? Do they know how to live in community with others?

13. What does their spiritual life look like and what does it act like?

14. What do they want to be when they grow up? What are the person's dreams, hopes, goals, life callings and how does that match up with what you believe about yourself and where God is placing you to serve? If you don’t like hot weather, and they feel the only place on earth where they would have any ministry value and be able to serve effectively is in one location and one location only, deepest, darkest Africa, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell you, “This dog won’t hunt”. (Dr. Phil-ism)

15. What are their fears and concerns? If they think the world is going to end tomorrow through a nuclear holocaust, and you are committed to planning for a future of serving living bodies, again, you probably don’t need a degree in theology to figure this out.

16. What can you offer to the relationship and what does the other person offer to you? Can you both give 150% most of the time?

17. How often does the person admit they are wrong or need to grow or change? Or are they always right and ready with “I told you so”? Do they have a teachable spirit?

There are a few more points to my list, but my kids don’t even listen to my entire voice mail when I call them so I had better stop here. I will probably have to bribe them to read this far. All I care about is that they search out and find a “few good men and women” to spend a fulfilling life with.