Memories. . .The Way We Were

Last night I watched old videos of my life that my children recorded and put out on My Space, Face Book and YouTube. Matthew had made a “Cribs” video of our house that we lived and loved in but now has been sold at sheriff’s auction. As I watched my son show our home and its contents, I was filled with mixed emotions. I live so differently now. I am on my own and renting a room in a home in Colorado. I am starting my life over from scratch. I have not been here on this territory since I was 19 years old. I am not as strong as I was when I was 19 but I am as determined to make my life count for something. I now have the burden of also taking care of my family. Fear, doubt and tiredness overcome me sometimes but my children and the example I must set for them keeps me waking up every morning and choosing to make good decisions. I am tempted to throw the covers over my head and stay in bed every day but life must go on.

Memories are a shadow of the things that used to be. Memories can be helpful, motivating, painful, exhilarating, or a myriad of other emotions. We can look back with joy, sadness, regret, wisdom or nostalgia. Memories are powerful and cannot be suppressed. Hindsight is truly 20/20. “Memories in the corners off my” shape our present and our future existence. They are powerful and cannot be denied or suppressed or they will creep up on us at the most inopportune time. We are the essence of the past, the present and a hint of the future.

“The chance to do it all again, would we? Could we? Memories can be beautiful and yet what is too painful to remember we simply chose to forget.” I find myself at 48 second guessing every choice and every action. This may be a simple act of growing older and trying to make sense of all of the actions of our youth. Or maybe it is a time of reflection to learn from the past and not repeat it in the short future that we may have. Lost loves, lost opportunities, all loom in our minds and yet there in the place of our worst memories is a strong will to not repeat the same mistakes and to recreate ourselves as a soft place to fall for the youth that come behind us. The good, the bad and the ugly make us more than ready to share with others the wisdom that we have gained from the experiences of our youth and the power of our youth. If only the young could see that some of the “meddling” that we do is out of sheer concern that no one follows down the train tracks that lead to some of our worst moments and hours.

“So it is the laughter that we remember” . . . how many times have we heard our elders tell outrages stories of misfortune with humor and style. I remember the days when I would sit for hours and listen to my Nanny tell stories of the depression. How she burned up her furniture for warmth in the fireplace. Beautiful furniture burnt up, that was worth more as firewood than as some precious commodity that others would buy and treasure. At the time I listened closely trying to understand but as a youth, I did not have the capacity to see through her eyes. Now as an older woman, I can see it so much clearer. I treasure every story she told me. I can now understand her truth and humor.

Time can rewrite our past and our future if we embrace the past, love and hate it. Learn from the past, enjoy it, love it but use it as a tool to shape our future. If we are healthy and healed our future looks bright and colorful. In the corners of our mind we know that we are richer, deeper and wiser than we have ever been.